Mourning Rae

February Blues

2012-02-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

Life sucks. That pretty much sums up what's going on right now. This weekend is turning out to be one of the worst ever... and it's a Thursday.
I really want to get my own apartment, but frankly, I don't think I can afford it. Living with the g-parent's is great, but I can't help but feel like I'm in the way or taking advantage of their hospitality at times.

Work is frustrating, with lots of upcoming changes. Con prep is inching its way forward, with less than a month away. And I just realized that my two best friends are graduating from high school in a few months and I'll be even more alone than ever.

Maybe it's just the winter blues setting in, I don't know. Nothing of interest to report, just rants. Best wishes to everyone.

Welcome Home!

2012-01-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Reiko is HOME! After years of saving, and some help from friends and family, my dream BJD is finally here. I'd like to especially thank Belinda, Maleah, Mom & Dad, and Grandpa & Grandma for their love and support. Here's a short photostory of Reiko's First Day!

Eva is getting ready to help me open THE BOX. I think she's hoping it is her Gabriel... but he will have to wait for later.

Its a PARTY! Peanuts that stuck to everything, ick. Eva sat this one out.

First look at my beautiful new girl! Her face-up is PERFECT.

Clothes on, she's ready to go. Sadly I forgot to purchase another wig-cap before she got home, so I had to 'borrow' Eva's. Luckily the pink wig stays on a lot easier than the long white one.

Eva welcomed Reiko to our home and the two of them became great friends while I was at work all day. Tomorrow I'll be sewing, sewing, sewing...

Thanks for looking! Oh, and Happy New Year!

Mid-November Update

2011-11-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody. So, Christmas is fast approaching and I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping. I've done lots of shopping, just not so much for anyone else. lol.

My new obsession? Monster High Dolls. I have the books on hold at the library, can't wait to read them! I've already watched every cartoon episode, but that isn't hard as they are really short. (2-3 minutes each.) I bought my first doll online, Ghoulia Yelps. She's awesome.

Grandma and Grandpa spend more time away from home than they do here at the house. This weekend they are up visiting family for a special occasion. (Their most recent grandchild is being blessed in church.) Part of me wishes I could go with to see everyone, but I had work and previous obligations. (Photoshoot with my BJD friends.)

I'm trying to get used to this being alone thing, and so far I'm just lonely. There was a gentleman in our community that passed away a few months back who was in a similar situation as myself, I think. He spent the last years of his life alone, taking care of his aging mother. Sometimes I wonder if he was really very happy.

My room is filthy. I have a very long to-do list, most of it cleaning, but I'm too lazy to get anything done. There's dust everywhere and its starting to drive me crazy. Maybe tomorrow I'll take everything down and deep clean even the corners with the vacuum and a scrub brush. Or maybe I'll sleep in and roll out of bed in time to take a shower and run off to work instead.

Updates on my hobbies? Madelyn is still missing arms and legs, Charlotte is a little cleaner than before, but I have yet to get all her old blushing removed, and Dex is still blank. I did learn how to make little loops on the lower wings of my french beaded butterflies. Other than that, not much to report. I dabble in everything and complete nothing.

So if you've read this far, you're amazing. Cause no one seems to read my posts anymore. I can't really blame anyone, as my life is rather ordinary. I wish I could post about how awesome this trip that I went on was or how amazing it is to be asked out on a date by someone I really like, but that just isn't me. I watch movies and eat wheat thins with cream cheese by myself in the dark. G'nite world!

Silent Tears

2011-11-03T00:47:00.000-06:00

I talked with a really nice lady at work the other day. I've been pretty careful not to be direct about my sexuality in the workplace, as I think it should be. Anyway, her son is gay. She's also very mormon. She was so loving about it, though, and for some reason I felt at ease to come out to her. (Later I got reprimanded for taking a long time chatting with her.) It was a great experience, especially as I don't really have any gay friends or contact with the gay community. It reminded me I'm not alone!

It also reminded me why I'm not active in the church. Everything in "normal" people's lives revolves around their family. I have a very good friend from high school, who is now married and hopes to start a family of their own. "Normal" boys look for a wife, have children, and have reasons to get up every day and go to work. I'm not normal. Kids aren't in my future. I can't even marry the man of my dreams... if I ever find him. (Not in Utah anyway.)

I read a "banned book" online the other day. It was called "And Tango Makes Three." Its a children's story about a gay penguin couple in a New York Zoo who adopt a penguin chick as their own. (True story, btw.) I found it to be very sweet, and not offensive in the least. If only life had such a happy ending. (As the story, not the real life penguins, who have since split I believe.)

So today I'm crying silent tears for what I won't likely get to have. I cry for those reasons for getting out of bed I won't ever know. I cry for the memories I'm not going to share. I cry for the loss of being normal and all that those who get to have it take for granted. G'nite world. I'll put on a brave face tomorrow and pretend like these silent tears never fell.

Anime Banzai 2011

2011-10-25T12:21:00.002-06:00

Woot! This past weekend I had the opportunity to go to Utah's largest Anime Convention, Anime Banzai in Layton! My good friend Jeremy was kind enough to offer me a place to stay and my friend Sarah Hall let me carpool north with her and her family. It was awesome!

First, one of the Guests of Honor for Banzai this year was Wendi Pini! She was so nice in person and fit right in with all the rest of us anime nerds. She even cosplayed! I was fortunate enough to have her sign my copies of ElfQuest! So happy...

The following day, as the Con went from Friday to Sunday, I got to participate in the Pokemon Black/White Video Game Tournament! This was my first experience competing with my Pokemon and I was delighted to do better than I had expected. There were six rounds total and I won four of them! I lost to the players who got 2nd and 3rd place over-all so I'm delighted to have done so well. As a bonus gift, I got a shiny Sneasel! (I love Sneasel... lol.)

And of course there were BJDs! A vender in the dealer's room had a Dollfie Dream, and several con-goers brought their little angels with them around the halls! Here's some of my favorites:

Also, there were many super-amazing cosplayers! I wish I'd taken more pictures! Here are two of my favorites:

And last but definitely not least, here are the spoils of the con.... mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

I bought a Claymore necklace, yey! The next two discs for Naruto Shippuuden, so I finally have all of season one. A Team Rocket t-shirt I will wear with pride! A Zekrom plushie I have named "Stoney". (I bought Rasharim too and gave it Sarah's daughter on our trip home. She's so cute!) The first four parts of DragonBall Z Kai! The newest volume of Pandora Hearts, and a DragonBall Z doujinshi.

Best wishes everyone! Thanks for reading through my update and look forward to next time!

Rotten Love

2011-10-10T23:01:00.001-06:00

Speaking of no money... so, DollZone has just released these BEAUTIFUL new dolls, and I'd love to get the girl. Her name is Anson. Isn't she just the coolest?

Why do I have to fall in love with things that are so gosh-darn expensive? Anyone have $600 laying around, not sure what to do with?

I hope she isn't limited, then maybe I'll have the chance to get her in the future. I'll buy Reiko next for certain, but I'd love to expand my resin family more someday. (Henrietta Kitty will be next.) I need to get ambitious and finish blushing my dear Charlotte and Dex. Hmmmm.... I'm so tired all the time though. I think its a medical condition. Maybe I'll die of laziness...

One more pic, 'cause she's gorgeous! Rotten love...

New Stuff, No Money

2011-10-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

Yey for an update! So my little HOOT arrived this week, and I purchased my very first car! Lots of cool stuff, and I guess I couldn't take the excitement cause I came down with some horrible virus. (Body aches and sporadic fever... no fun.) But I'm on the mend, so now I can be totally excited about my new dolly and wheels. Only problem, I'm broke. Cars are expensive! lol.

Here's little Dex. It took a long time before I found a name I really liked. I'm going to paint him up myself soon. Then its time for clothes. I want to make him some blue overalls.

My car is a 2000 Dodge Neon, except its a Plymouth. Different name, same company and vehicle. Its lived a full life and has some dings and wear, but I'm very pleased with it. I still need to get it inspected and purchase liability insurance before I can drive it around for reals, but it won't be long.

Will update again soon. I hope to go up north with a friend of mine to Salt Lake's anime convention, Anime Banzai! Best wishes, all.

Guilmon Bread

2011-09-29T15:10:00.000-06:00

Feeling nostalgic today. <3

This made me Happy...

2011-09-20T22:14:00.000-06:00

Baby Bird

2011-09-09T11:41:00.003-06:00

So there was once a little baby bird, born strong and sweet. He lived in a nest high up in a tree with his mommy and daddy bird and they were very happy.

Time passed, and the baby bird began to grow. His mommy and daddy bird taught him all about how to be a robin, even though baby bird thought he was a swallow.

Mommy and daddy bird were proud of their soft red feathers on their chest. They didn't seem to worry that baby bird was silver all over. Surely his color would change as he got older.

Baby bird began hopping about the nest in excitement. He was eager to learn all about how to fly. Baby bird stretched his wings and looked down from his nest in the tree without fear.

But mommy and daddy bird were afraid baby bird would fall, so they taught baby bird about how dangerous life out of the nest could be.

Baby bird learned all about snakes and cats, about strong winds and bad weather. After a while, baby bird stopped looking out at the blue sky or down out of the tree and stayed in the nest.

Mommy and daddy bird taught baby bird more about being a robin. Maybe his red feathers would come in once he really understood how lovely they were.

But pretty soon baby bird outgrew the nest. Mommy and daddy bird couldn't find enough food for baby bird, who was now almost fully grown.

Baby bird had no red feathers. Baby bird's wings were small and his tummy fat. But baby bird knew all about the bad in the world and how to be a robin.

Finally mommy and daddy bird told baby bird it was time for them to fly away. Cold winds were coming from the north, and the leaves were turning gold.

Baby bird was left alone in his nest. Pretty soon he got hungry. With no mommy and daddy bird, baby bird decided it was time to leave the nest.

His wings were stiff, and although baby bird was afraid, he dove from the nest just as he'd seen his mommy and daddy bird do many times before.

Baby bird soon found out that flying was very hard. He struggled to flap his tiny wings and balance with his tail, but he found himself falling gently into a pile of leaves instead of soaring high in the sky.

Baby bird looked down at his chest. It was a cool gray. Baby bird looked at his tail and found he was a swallow after all. But baby bird only knew how to be a robin.

Baby bird knew that snakes and cats lived on the ground and that he couldn't stay in his pile of leaves. So baby bird started walking.

Soon baby bird saw other birds in the sky. There were all kinds of birds: Birds with long necks, birds with many colors, birds of every size.

Baby bird was surprised. The birds were so different, but all of them could fly. They flew way up high in the blue sky. All of them except baby bird.

Baby bird knew that strong winds and bad weather would come, so he kept walking. Soon baby bird came to a cliff.

There were sharp rocks way far away at the bottom of the cliff. Baby bird could not walk any further. Baby bird decided to jump.

Maybe the strong winds would come and carry baby bird to where food might be. Maybe baby bird might find out he could fly after all and join the many colored birds in the sky.

Maybe not.

Madelyn Progress

2011-09-06T22:26:00.001-06:00

So this is an update just to let you all know I'm alive and working on things. Madelyn is an ongoing project, one with much work yet to do. I've made it into the Vocaloid Cafe for this coming year's Fannatiku Fest. I'll be cosplaying Kiyoteru. Someday I'll do a proper blog post, but for now this will have to do. Look forward to car updates, my new anthro-bjd HOOT, and as always, crafts and more crafts. And just for fun, here's a picture of Eva-chan in her pretty new kimono.

One of those days...

2011-08-11T21:58:00.000-06:00

I wants a kitty. :(

Today I need a fluffy furball to come sit on my lap and love me even though I'm a skrew-up. Maybe I'll talk to the g-parents about the option of adopting a cat. Maybe...

Life sucks sometimes. I'm learning to roll with the punches, but its not always easy. Today I just needed to rant a bit. I guess its just been one of those days.

Butterfly Lei - Complete

2011-07-19T01:13:00.000-06:00

Yey! I finished the lei in time for the reunion and it turned out very pretty. It is one of the most ambitious beading projects I've ever tried, and while it didn't turn out exactly as I wanted, I'm pleased with the result. Congrats to my uncle Joe for winning the butterfly lei at the raffle!

Butterfly Lei Preview - Reunion Prep

2011-07-12T22:50:00.000-06:00

These are the butterflies that will be going on the Butterfly Lei I'm making for the family reunion auction. I just need to complete the box and assemble everything and this project is finally complete. So far, I'm pretty happy with how everything is turning out. The Hogan Family Reunion is my summer event this year. I don't have anything more planned till the Holidays. I really look forward to seeing everyone there and can't wait to offer this special necklace in the family auction. Best wishes everyone!

Craft Expense and Worth

2011-07-08T22:54:00.001-06:00

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm a craft-aholic. I just bought a Dremal, woot! And while I'm very excited to start work again on Madelyn, I'm wondering what my craft projects are actually worth.

I have an artist's soul. I always have. But now that I have a job, the expense total is starting to stare me in the face. I spend an insane amount of time and a large portion of my paycheck on crafts. While I see them as works of art, their actual worth is relative.

So how does one determine value from a hobby and the resulting mass of accumulated... stuff? I create for my own delight, not for monetary gain. Heck, I give most of my creations away. Maybe that's why I like it so much.

Don't mind me, I'm just being philosophical in the middle of the night. It isn't something I'm very worried about for the moment, but its fun to think about.

Sculpy BJD - Madelyn

2011-06-22T23:28:00.000-06:00

New craft project alert! I've begun sculpting my very own BJD. Her name is Madelyn and she's a ballerina. I have basically no idea what I'm doing, so its a learning experience. I'll post updates as I complete her. Your comments are most welcome. HUGS!

Eva's New Look

2011-06-16T23:01:00.000-06:00

So I ordered some new accessories for Eva-chan. She's wearing a green wig from eBay, and a corset dress I commissioned from a friend of mine on Den of Angels. I was really concerned about how everything might work together, or if the new look would change Eva into a completely new character, but I'm very happy with how it all worked out. She's so pretty, and I'm loving the new wig. I'd really appreciate your comments!

Blushing Charlotte

2011-05-21T12:35:00.002-06:00

Ok! So I finally got around to blushing Charlotte, my DZ Flower Fairie. Isn't she adorable?

Other than that I've got not much to report. I'm busy working at my job and with my many craft projects. I've put a new doll on layaway... won't have him paid for till September or so, but still very excited! I'm really looking forward to this summer so I can take a vacation and visit family. Best wishes!

French-Beaded Butterfly Project

2011-05-06T13:14:00.003-06:00

Just finished this little guy this morning. What do you think?

I will hopefully be making lots of these to go on a necklace to auction off at the family reunion this summer. Better get workin!

Spastic Update - Local Artist

2011-05-04T23:09:00.008-06:00

WOOT!

Guess what? After finalizing the purchase of the BLUE kimono, a friend on a local BJD forum notified me they had the RED one available for sale! So now I've bought two. lol. Isn't that just the way life works sometimes?

For now, I'll be keeping both. I'm eager for them to arrive by mail so I can compare them. Plus I'll have a grand time using Eva-chan as a model. She doesn't have any other clothes yet.

This means I'm one step closer to getting my dream doll, Reiko!

* * *

Meet The Mushroom Peddler, Sarah B. Seiter!

Sarah creates her very own Anthro BJDs and lives in Provo, Utah! If you have a chance, please visit her website: http://www.themushroompeddler.com

I've recently joined her online forum, The Chamber of Dreams.
Thanks for looking! Best wishes, all.

Reiko Update

2011-04-29T14:02:00.003-06:00

Got my tax return today... and spent it. On what? Why this beautiful blue kimono for Reiko of course. I was finally able to find a small dealer that had some DollZone kimonos still in stock as DollZone has discontinued making them. Sadly, I wasn't able to find the pretty red one Reiko is in for her promo shots, but I'll keep trying.

How's the doll fund for Reiko you may ask? I'm about a third of the way there. Sadly, my goal of getting a car at the end of the summer may trump my doll fund and I may have to start again from scratch. But at least my gas budget should decrease once I'm no longer driving around the monster truck of doom.

I'm hoping for Reiko as a Christmas present to myself this year. Cross your fingers for me! Best wishes all.

Garden 2011

2011-04-19T14:49:00.003-06:00

Yey! I ordered some flowers this year and last weekend I got to plant them all. The Hollyhocks, Wisteria, and Sage were already in the garden. I added weed barrier, four Zinnias from Wal-Mart, Lily bulbs, and Mediterranean Pinks. The Butterfly Bush on the far left is to fill in space behind grandpa's shed by the fence. Right now it looks like a bunch of dirt, but I'm proud of it and will be sure to post pictures over the summertime.

In addition to the outdoor garden, I have another plant family member in my room with me, a Dwarf Lemon Tree. Right now its really small and cute, but I hope to help it grow big and strong. My last orchid flowers are wilting, so soon it will be time to repot. My friend gave me this beautiful mister for my birthday that I hope will help keep my plants happy.

I look forward to seeing all who can make it down to Grandma's for Easter, and wish everyone else the very best! <3

Pokemon - Catch 'um all!

2011-04-12T23:31:00.004-06:00

Yey! I finally bought myself a DSi along with Pokemon WHITE. I've been playing like mad the past few days, and its been so much fun! Pokemon WHITE & BLACK have a whole new set of Pokemon to capture, train, and battle. I was lucky enough to capture the above Pokemon named Victini, and look forward to more event Pokemon.

The DSi has many new features that I'm still learning how to use. One of them is the Internet uplink system that lets me play in the Pokemon DREAM WORLD online. It officially starts in the US today... and I can't wait to try it out!

So what else is going on besides my new gaming addiction? Not much. Work is great, money is tight, but life here in St. George during springtime is pretty sweet. Grandma Leah is down with us for a short while and next week we plan on having family here for Easter! I guess I better clean my room... its starting to look like I stockpile junk and unfinished crafts. (Haven't finished my french-beaded rose or blushed Charlotte yet...)

Best wishes all! Remember life is good. HUGS.

Fannatiku and Face-ups

2011-03-24T18:34:00.010-06:00

Woot! Fannatiku Fest 2011 was awesome. Sadly, I didn't get to take any pictures this year, but Sarah took many awesome pics so I'll show off some of my favorites. This year I bought "The Wallflower" and "Negima!?" anime, some adorable crochet bunnies, artworks, and a catwings necklace. I went as Bum-Moo from "Forest of Gray City" on day one, but for day two I was just myself sporting an awesome Kakashi t-shirt. It was wonderful to have Sarah, my mom, and Aaron there to share the Con experience with.

When I saw these "Digimon Tamers" cosplayers I couldn't contain my excitement. They had a GREAT skit for the Masquerade too. Congrats Rika and Renamon, you ROCK!

Lots of kids got in on the fun as well. This has the be the most adorable chibi Akamaru from "Naruto" EVER!

Enter Kyuubi Naruto! This guy was great! While in costume he didn't speak, and walked around on all fours everywhere. You can't tell from this pic, but the claws and face are painted on glow-in-the-dark.

All branches of nerd-dom are welcome at Fannatiku. I believe this guy is from a video game. Way cool, right?

So 2011's Con is done and we've got a few months of rest before planning begins for next year! I learned a lot being on Staff and look forward to 2012!

In other news... I've been practicing face-ups for my BJDs. I'd read lots about the material needed, watched some YouTube vids, and thought I'd be able to do it no problem. Boy was I wrong. Doing face-ups is HARD. Blushing is really fun as long as you're careful not to over do it, but painting the tiny lines for the eyebrows and lashes is next to impossible without the right brush and lots and lots of practice. Next I'm going to try blushing Charlotte, my DZ fairie. Wish me luck!

Happy March

2011-03-18T11:11:00.004-06:00

Yey! March started out with a bang. Fannatiku Fest 2011 was AWESOME. Sadly, I didn't get pictures with my camera, so I'll save that update for later. (Sarah got some really nice ones that she'll be sending over.)

I also got to welcome two new members to my little family. As pictured above, I splurged on getting another orchid. Sadly, she is very top heavy with all her magnificent blooms, so I'm always nervous that she'll fall over. (She's a white and pink Cymbidium orchid.) AND I was lucky enough to receive my second BJD, a DollZone Fairie! She arrived unpainted with blue default eyes, and I love her to pieces. I've named her Charlotte.

Oh, and it was my 22nd birthday on the 14th. I'm all old now. I got some adorable cards from the Walton kids, "Fantasia/Fantasia 2000" on DVD from the g-parents, chocolates from a dear friend up north, a visit from my mother and Sarah for the Con, and oober lots of self-purchased gifts. (Some I have yet to buy...)

So I'm spoiled rotten and March has been one of the best months ever. To top it all off, the weather here is getting really nice and the trees are full of blossoms. Best wishes all!

My Family Update

2011-02-17T11:31:00.005-07:00

YEY! I put an offer on a DollZone Fairie today. I hope I get her!

For my B-day I'm buying a DS Lite and Pokemon White, and the Con is just before that, and I'm likely to spend oodles there as well. Why is it so hard to save money?

Oh, and I got some new orchids! I'll post a pic or two. They are beautiful!

Fannatiku Fest 2011 is just around the corner. I've got lots to do to prepare for the big event, and I'm SO excited. Things are really looking good! I've even got family coming down to spend the weekend with me. Woot!

Best wishes all.

Singles Awareness Day 2011

2011-02-08T19:17:00.003-07:00

It's coming: February 14th. Monday will be here in just a few short days...

Bring out the chocolate. It's a good thing I'll be working all day. I'm not sure what I'd do without a job to keep my mind off what I so obviously lack. Not that what I am fortunate enough to have isn't worth anything. And I don't want this entry to turn into a lame complaint. But what happened to "Happily Ever After" anyway? By my age lots of people are married and working towards having a family.

Oh yeah, right. I'm not in the marriage and "having a family" category.

Sometimes being gay really sucks. I'd love to have been born a girl so I wouldn't have to be so confused and alone. A lot of times I forget I'm a boy. I hang out with my girlfriends easily enough. I like a lot of girly things even. But that's a topic for another day I think.

For now, all you lucky ones, don't forget your special someone. And the rest of you... hold out till February 15th. All the unsold chocolate goes on sale big time.

2011 Resolutions

2011-01-15T23:06:00.002-07:00

Career/Talents
·Learn my new job at the Washington Library well, accomplish tasks correctly and in good time, communicate with my co-workers and patrons, have an upbeat attitude, and enjoy helping others.
·Submit new work monthly to DevaintArt: photography, painting, or beading. Continue developing manga/anime style. Practice often.
·Keep working on writing skills through writing Fan Fiction or short stories.
·Play the piano. Learn new songs.

Financial
·Save money! Establish a savings account and good spending habits in case of emergencies.
·Have enough earned to make a down payment on a car this summer.
·Always pay rent on time and continue paying for own expenses.
·Be frugal so I’ll have enough money to spend on others and myself.

Spiritual
·Learn more about other world religions, traditions, and practices. Respect all points of view.
·Develop my own spiritual beliefs and practices. Pray often.
·Keep an open mind to promptings. Follow what feels right.
·Never engage in practices or dwell in places that make me feel uncomfortable or dirty.

Health/Fitness
·Play Wii often with family and friends.
·Go hiking in Zion’s as often as possible.
·Watch what I eat. Make healthy choices and develop good habits.
·Don’t over-eat or over-indulge while eating out. Take a box or leave it there.

Social/Family
·Go to PFLAG and Anime Fannatiku meetings. Take part in activities. Make new friends.
·Take time off from work to attend important family events and gatherings.
·Never take anyone for granted. If someone is special, let them know!
·Be open to new things and enjoy the company you find along the way. Learn to love more.

Too old for that?

2011-01-01T23:19:00.006-07:00

YAHOO! English release date is finally here, March 6th! I'm all amped to get a Nintendo DS Lite just to play the newest version of Pokemon. (Haven't decided on the DS color yet.) Too old for that? NEVER. I'm getting it as a B-day gift to myself with help from my Christmas money. (I think I've already decided on the WHITE version. Can't wait to see what the third title is going to be called in this set.) Oh, and I played a Pokemon game for the Wii on New Years at a friends house. Now that the G-parents have a Wii system I might try and get me some games for that too. lol.

Many thanks all for the great Christmas gifts! I got some amazingly awesome anime patches from dear Emily that I'm super excited to sew onto something, chocolate goodness from the fam in Boise, and "Lady in the Water" from the Palmers, one of my favorite movies. <3

Yey! The new "Claymore" and "Pandora Hearts" manga volumes come out this month. The newest "Claymore" chapter for January is totally awesome, btw. Oh, and I finally got around to buying the first part of the "Young Avengers" comic, should be here soon.

Plus I have SO much work to do to get ready for Anime Fannatiku March 11-12! I can't believe its only two months away. Must get to work... Best wishes all in the new year!

Oh the Possibilities!

2010-12-12T21:18:00.003-07:00

Hooray! I just got promoted from Library Clerk Sub to Part-Time Library Clerk at the Washington Branch Library! My hours will soon be consistent and my paycheck will be a lot fatter. I start on my new position tomorrow, and boy am I nervous! But I won't be doing anything I haven't already done, mostly. And oh yeah, I get KEYS! But sadly, I won't be able to work at the Hurricane Branch anymore, so I'll just get to see my Anime Fannatiku friends at meetings and stuff. Next intended milestone: my own car. (Driving the truck 30 minutes to work everyday is going to be horrendous.)

I haven't even tried to apply for school next semester. I want to complete my Associates, but I'm not anxious to overload myself again. My goal for now is to go back in the Fall. Maybe I'll try a different school like Dixie. I haven't been to formal classes in a while, it might be nice. There's so much I WANT to learn, and because of my inactivity the past few months I feel like I'm kind of falling behind.

So Christmas is like, 12 days away. Where did the time go? I'm not ready! I've still got stuff to do, and after Christmas is New Years! It's almost 2011! Sarah graduate's next year. I turn 22 in March. Time doesn't sit back and let you take a break, does it? 'Cause I could really use a good long winter's nap.

Many thanks all who read and keep up with my ramblings. I appreciate your love and support, as well as your comments. HUGS Everyone!

I'm Just Me

2010-12-04T21:47:00.005-07:00

Its freakin' December already. I'm sad that all the leaves have fallen off the trees, but I'm also very happy that our winter is so mild. I visited some snow over Thanksgiving break and that was enough for me! Damn cold...

Our dear Lady dog passed away today. I know that she was very old and that it was her time to go, but I still took it pretty hard. I didn't cry though until I tried writing a small memorial for her on our family blog. (My relations knew and loved Lady too, so it only seemed right to post the news.) I'll miss her a lot next time Grandma and Grandpa are out of town and I'm home alone.

In other news, I'm working hard at both Fannatiku, our local anime club, and at getting a part-time job. My sub position at the library just isn't going to cut it financially. Why does everything have to be so darn expensive? I have a long way to go before I've saved enough for Reiko, so I'm thinking she might not come home for a while yet. I guess its good to be patient for something you really want, or so I'm told.

Oh, and I'm sorta dating this really awesome guy. Not sure how serious things are yet because I'm too chicken to ask. Mostly because I'm scared he doesn't want me back. I wouldn't want me, and perhaps that's the problem. I'm not confidant enough in myself. So lets stop being dreary! I'm a pretty decent guy. Young? yes. Rather naive? yes. But both states of being are hopefully temporary.

That's about it. I can't come up with anything more to complain about. Happy start of December everybody! I look forward to the Holidays!

Prop 8

2010-11-15T23:36:00.002-07:00

Okay. So I normally don't get all into political stuff and this is rather old news, but I just saw this documentary for the first time tonight and I need to post my thoughts. If you have not seen it, I highly reccommend that you do. I got my copy from the library; go check yours.

I've not been active in the church for a while now, and frankly I'm pretty happy with not having that stress in my life anymore. I remember why I decided to stop attending, and why my faith has crumbled. I don't fit into the mormon view of eternity. I don't belong in the church.

My friend is actually writing a paper this week on Prop 8 and its influence. I've recommended she watch this documentary and hope to share it with more people. This message really needs to be heard, even if you decide to disagree. Go watch it!

Life Update

2010-11-14T19:31:00.002-07:00

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and said... "that isn't me"?

My Grandparents were away this week so I had the house to my self for a few days. I did nothing. I lead a very boring life, and its mostly my own fault. I don't feel like doing much of anything. When I go out, its never my face that others see anyway; never my voice that they hear.

I guess I've always had issues about my appearance, but I never took it too seriously. I'm lucky ehough to have a young and healthy body that smiles and works hard just like everyone else. But sometimes when I'm alone I look into the mirror at my rather bland and empty eyes and wonder why there isn't anything there. I have my faults, but there is a lot of good inside too. Why doesn't it shine through?

A friend of mine posted some pictures of me online, and as usual, I detest them. I hate pictures of myself. I look ugly. The person staring back at me looks fake, complete with a plastic smirk. It doesn't resemble me at all, at least not the me that I know.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't think theres much that can be done. Its nice to have a blog that hardly anyone reads to vent my feelings on every now and then, but I still can't help but think I'm just complaining. Complaining about how horrible my tragically comfortable and rather boring life is. I'm pathetic.

Goodnight world. I'll update again when I feel like it. I'll be traveling north to visit family for Thanksgiving, and then its back to whatever it is I do here.

I wanna...

2010-10-31T23:10:00.006-06:00

Sad Day. I REALLY want this adorable little Fairie from DollZone, but she is only available as a promotional give-away for Christmas-time purchases of $400 or more. (She's so tiny! Only 14cm. I SO want real life pics!) I guess if I magically have $400 for REIKO directly after Christmas I could make my purchase and expect TWO absolutely amazing angels in the mail, but somehow I don't think that's going to happen. lol I'll save, save, save as best I can and hope for the best! If I don't make it by December 31st, there's always the chance I can find her on the 'Den of Angels' marketplace I suppose.

EDIT: Even more SAD DAY. I just discovered that 'Den of Angel's' considers the new DZ Fairies as "off-topic" dolls due to her lack of wrist joints and the ability to wear a wig so they will not be allowing pics or sales of her on the forum. Grrrrrr.....

Corpse Bride

2010-10-08T23:21:00.003-06:00

So I watched this tonight for the first time. As it is October now, I thought it couldn't be a better time. I LOVED it. The music is quite gorgeous and although it has a simple and sweet storyline, as of now it is one of my favorite Tim Burton films. (Much better than "Nightmare" in my opinion.) In fact, I may buy the soundtrack.

Perhaps one reason I enjoyed it so much, besides the beautiful butterflies as you all know I'm quite partial to butterflies, was that afterwards I watched some of the special features. I was blown away by the complexity of the puppets they used, and fell in love with doll magic all over again.

It made me want to go paint a BJD... but I wasn't going to harm Eva-chan. Lucky for me my ASHA head is in the mail on her way back from her long vacation in the UK. I can hardly wait for her to arrive so I can practice. Maybe if I'm a really good boy I will get myself two dolls for my B-Day in March, or at least a body for poor ASHA so I can go all out. lol

Anyway, for those of you who haven't seen "Corpse Bride" you should. Its a great Halloween film and the special features are awesome. Hope everyone is well! Luvs.

Anime SG 2010

2010-09-27T20:24:00.008-06:00

I had a really good time at Anime SG this year. Here are some picks of the awesome stuff I got to bring home:

Here is a pic of the new anime I won at the raffle. I <3 "Sands of Destruction"!

I also got some really cute buttons. It was great to support the local artists that had boothes there at the Con. (So much talent!)

I also got some adorable vocaloid chibi figures and a Kakashi tote.

I love getting new anime/manga related stuff. I got to spend most of the time with my good friend Sarah Hall, who is an amzing cosplayer. She helped me get my own cosplay outfit ready this time. I was Bum-Moo from "Forest of Gray City" a sweet Korean manhwa. Here I am alongside the cover image. It was hard sewing on all those patches:

Thanks for looking!

My Dear Dolly and Future Plans

2010-09-13T11:36:00.004-06:00

Oops, sorry everyone. I haven't posted pics of Eva-chan with her wig yet. I was so excited to take a photoshoot of her and share the images with my Den of Angels friends I forgot my blog. > <

Well, Evangaline is home and looking great! Her coat will arrive soon and then I'll be taking her to Anime SG on the 25th. We are going to have a blast. Hopefully afterwards my ASHA head will have returned from her vacation to the UK and I will have money to purchase some pastels and MSC to practice body-blushing.

I found a BEAUTIFUL DollZone Megi-4 on the Den of Angels marketplace and had to really hold myself back from purchasing him. I've decided no more dollies until my B-day in March. (I'm planning on getting my dream doll, DollZone Reiko.) That way I'll have a chance to save up enough to get her all together. I'm SO excited!

Here is more beautiful dolly spam:

Many thanks for viewing! Please leave comments, they are much appreciated. <3

Doll Allure

2010-08-28T21:49:00.003-06:00

So I got asked "What's so neat about a doll?"

Its no secret, I've been bitten by the doll-love bug. But many of my friends and family don't see why. Its a toy. Its a lot of money for a material object that doesn't maintain its value. And frankly, its just a piece of plastic. I didn't have an immediate response.

What gives any object value?

My doll represents an idea. Something I created, gave life to, and love. Something I worked hard to receive. Something that I've given worth to. My doll is a creature with her own personality and artistry. A little person that needs me, even when I feel like no one else does.

So Ammon's family has grown to one doll and one orchid. (Sadly, my other orchids didn't make it.) I hope I can take care of them and learn to be happy with the blessing I've been given. It's not so hard when you are no longer alone. <3

More Doll Invasion

2010-08-16T19:24:00.007-06:00

Yeah! Well, there have been some developments regarding my first BJD Evangaline. Her body and outfit are home and nearly complete, I'm just waiting on her wig and head. And I bought a new head, one that I'm SUPER excited about! (DollZone LOLA sculpt with custom face-up.)

The old ASHA sculpt head will become my face-up practice head. I've also commissioned a beautiful coat for Eva-chan which should arrive before the end of the month. If the wig ever gets here... Eva-chan will be home for reals very soon!

I've also made some changes in my Dream Doll Family. I've taken quite a liking to two more boy dolls, and another limited edition SOOM marvel. (Replacements for DRUI and ULLI.)

MEGI
Company: DollZone
Height: 45cm
Full-set Price: $390
I've always liked the Megi sculpt, but I adore this new face-up. I don't mind the clothes and wig that come with this set, but I'd just as soon pick my own. Maybe by the time I'm ready to buy Megi I'll be good enough at face-ups that I can do this one myself. Mmmm... more boy doll love.

BORY
Company: Lutz
Height: 41cm
Base Price: $240
The first time I saw a Bory I loved, loved, loved it. If I had had the money at the time I would have purchased it. Bory can come as a boy or girl, and I'm still undecided as to which one I want. Bory is a little short for an MSD, but that justs adds to the charm. Who can say no to that face?

SHONKI
Company: SOOM (of Doom)
Height: 28cm
Full-set Price: More than I can afford
SOOM is known in the BJD community for producing some of the most beautiful dolls, and they love to drain us poor doll fanatics of all our money... cause most of their amazing characters are limited editions, a new one each month. This beautiful creature is the only BJD I've seen with black resin, and I'm completely taken. The kitty parts are cute and all, but I'm dying to try doing a face-up on the black resin. (The promo-pics for the open-eye sculpt are rather dull.) Yup, the Shonki full-set includes two heads and both human and kitty bits.

Thanks for looking through my latest Doll post. I promise to have more to talk about later. Best wishes!

Its a Mad World...

2010-08-15T23:59:00.001-06:00

"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
And the tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
And in my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
And I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very... mad world... mad world...

"Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very... mad world... mad world..."

Eva-chan is almost here!

2010-08-03T10:12:00.002-06:00

Hooray! Eva-chan's body arrived today. I'm SUPER happy! ^ ^

I'm still waiting for her head to come back from her face-up in the UK, and the custom wig I ordered is not ready yet, but I should have my first complete BJD by the end of the month!

Best wishes everyone!

Something I Wasn't Going to Post

2010-07-28T20:54:00.003-06:00

Well, since you aren't getting any mail from anyone else today, I might as well write you. How are you, me?

I want you to know that even though you've made some mistakes and you're kinda lazy, you're still a great guy. Someday, someone will see how cool you are. Someday life wont seem slow and boring. Right? We can hope. You won't have to hide in your room, in the dark, waiting for sunshine. Be patient! Only a few more days and some more doll stuff should arrive in the mail.

I can hardly wait to see Eva-chan all dressed and complete! I'm glad that even though you can sometimes be a little embarrassed about your interests, you go for what makes you happy anyway. If other people think you are strange, its their loss. You are much more than a doll loving freak.

I'm excited to watch Sherlock Holmes with everyone tonight. I've heard that it is really good. I'm really just excited to see all the gay innuendos... cause I'm dirty like that. Maybe I'll be disappointed and there wont be anything in it at all. Sad. I loved looking at Watson and Holmes chibi love on DA.

Today I realized something. Its hard for me to realize what I want sometimes, but today I discovered that I really want to be with someone that loves me unconditionally. I want to be with someone who cares for me, with whom I'm comfortable doing anything. That kind of love is what I'm holding out for.

Some really cute guys came by the house today and gave me cookies. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. They were from the ward, so I assume both were straight and very Mormon, two things which I am not. They would probably be very unimpressed if they knew I was gay. They were so handsome. How come all the cute guys have to be straight?

How come I have to be so preoccupied with love anyway? I'm not exactly the kind of person that others want to fall in love with. I'm not cute. I'm not buff. I'm not talented. I'm just a regular shmuck who dreams about the perfect guy. Its a wonder that I haven't killed myself yet. Life SUCKS. I guess we get down to it again. I'm really not happy. I'm really not doing just fine. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm self-centered. I'm no better a person now than I was years ago. I haven't grown. I haven't become stronger. I haven't become more beautiful. Nothing has changed. All that has changed is that I turn away from the pain instead of wallow in it. I don't poison myself with the empty feelings inside. I hide from them. I pretend they aren't there. Are they growing? Will they someday swallow me whole? Someday, it might be too hard to ignore them.

I want to post this, but I know I wont. I don't want to whine anymore. I feel like I'm just dumping my shame and guilt and pain on other people because I can't handle it. Like I'm weak and self-centered... which I know I am. So I don't post. So I don't speak. So I don't do anything. And nothing gets better.

I'm afraid of change. I need change. I want love. I don't know how to give love. I'm not ready for love. I'm not worthy of love. Maybe the sunshine isn't coming...

Lets Make Believe

2010-06-19T22:29:00.014-06:00

I'm very excited to someday purchase my very own BJD! I've been saving for months now, but my money always seems to go toward other stuff: practicle things like a car and rent. But that doesn't mean I can't still have a dream of getting my own doll someday. Asian Ball-Joint Dolls are not a cheap hobby, but that doesn't mean I've ever thought I'd stop at just buying ONE. Here is a list of my Dream Doll Family, most of which take part in Mute Doll Evangaline my new story.

EVANGALINE
Company: (none)
Height: about 44cm
Price: ($220 thus far)
I used this image for Evangaline because I have a Dollmore ASHA head. (Other parts I've gathered: two hands, one shin, one foot, and a pelvis.) The ideas I have for Evangaline's look are constantly changing, although I'm pretty sure I'd like her to have auburn hair and dark, dark eyes. Because BJDs are so expensive, I decided to start collecting bits and pieces to try and create my first doll. So far, it's going very slow. Evangaline's story is roughly based on the poem by Longfellow, A Tale of Acadie.

REIKO
Company: DollZone
Height: 44cm
Full-set Price: $420
This was the first doll I fell in love with and is still my favorite sculpt. DollZone is also my favorite company, I love many of their dolls. Sadly, Reiko's full set as seen in this image was a limited edition so I'll have to buy everything a little at a time. The name Reiko fits her perfectly, and she is the protagonist of my story. I'm currently saving for both Reiko and Evangaline, whichever opportunity comes first.

VITO
Company: Iplehouse
Height: 46cm
Base Price: $325
Vito is my boyfriend doll. He may also take on the role of Gabriel, Evangaline's fiance. I love Iplehouse's boy dolls, they have muscles. I've become attached to some other boy dolls now too from other companies, but Vito is still my favorite. I'd like to purchase him exactly as shown in this picture.

MOMO
Company: Dollmore
Height: 43.5cm
Full-set Price: $424
Sweet Wind Memory Momo was the second doll I fell in love with, but sadly she was also a limited edition so unless the company decides to release her again I don't have much of a chance of getting her. She doesn't fit into my story at this time.

GLOT
Company: SOOM
Height: 28cm
Full-set Price: $327
I had to post a full body image because I LOVE the hooves. Glot is nameless for the moment, but she takes on the role of Evangaline's companion. She is also noticeably smaller than the other dolls in my list, instead of the standard MSD height, Glot is about 2/3 size. Sadly, again I have fallen for a limited edition, Glot is no longer available directly from SOOM.

ULLI
Company: DollZone
Height: 16cm
Full-set Price: $239
Last, but certainly not least, Ulli the sheep. I'm sad that Ulli is so small and so expensive so I'll likely never get him. He will be Reiko's pet goat-boy.(I can get him nude with no face-up or eyes from Denver Doll Emporium for $165, so perhaps I'll manage to get him someday after all. And no, he isn't a limited edition, YEAH!)

I love BJDs. Thanks for reading through my post! I'd be happy to talk more and more about them if you want any further information or links to specific websites. Share the love! Until then, I'll be back next month... for real this time.

Black Rock Shooter

2010-06-19T11:31:00.002-06:00

I'm really excited for this anime to come out. I'm planning on doing some Chibi Vocaloid stickers for JRock Night (July 30th) as a way to celebrate... so I need to get drawing!

I purchased "Wild Arms 4" so I could share the cool story with my friend who actually owns a PS2. Maybe I'll get one someday... lol. Its kind of good that I don't really, otherwise I'd spend all my time gaming. I've been borrowing "Kingdom Hearts" which is SO much fun! "KH: Birth by Sleep" comes out later this year, my friend can hardly wait. Its nice to have geeky friends like me.

Anyway, life is good. I've been well and I just wanted to update everyone on here. Maybe next month I'll have more to share. The Family Reunion is in just a few weeks, which is going to be awesome, and then JRock night happens right after that. I'm planning to cosplay so I'll try and get pictures. Chow!

Layers in Life

2010-05-24T01:32:00.003-06:00

So I need a long and thorough update and rant. It’s doubtful that anyone will take the time to read through this in its entirety so I’ll leave nothing out.

People seem to have many layers. When others ask how I am, I respond with “quite well, thank you” and this is the truth, for my outermost layer is quite boringly well. I get to live in a beautiful piece of the world with a kind and loving family in a big house. I have a job; and although it isn’t enough to support myself yet, I’m content with the pay I receive. I’ve even made some good friends who I get to see often.

Then come the obvious concerns and troubles that we all face. I’m not performing as well as I’d like in school. I need a car and a steady paycheck to pay for fuel and insurance. I have to purchase medicine that keeps me mentally healthy; which although isn’t expensive, it is a bother. I want to be more independent, especially as I live with my grandparents who are preparing to retire and I don’t want to burden them once they’ve done so. This layer is full of worry, but nothing some courage and decent work can’t cure.

These top layers are so easy to understand that I feel no remorse in showing them to the world. I try to concentrate only on my immediate needs and worries. Time moves swiftly. Life passes me by. The middle layers seem to all run together and are much harder for me to understand or describe.

Today I overheard my grandfather discussing his work situation with a friend and I longed to burry myself deeper into my book and blot out the fear - the fear of change. For a while now I’ve sensed rumors of “moving” and “changing jobs” and an endless unspoken worry over money. Perhaps my fear is to hide the feelings of guilt. I should be able to live on my own now, but I’m far too comfortable and happy where I am to have any motivation to do so. I’m a lazy coward.

I also strongly suspect that I contracted Tetanus from the carpet staple I stepped on the other day. Partly because I’m too scared to consider it seriously, I haven’t mentioned it to anyone. But perhaps I didn’t “want” to tell anyone. If I’d contracted a potentially fatal disease then perhaps it would be better to stay quiet and let it run its course. Apparently I’m also passively suicidal.

This last realization got me thinking. Is life really so undesirable that I don’t want to put up a fight? I suppose other people have goals they are working towards or commitments that tie them to mortality. My biggest goal apart from becoming more independent is to save up my money to purchase a very beautiful and expensive doll. In fact, it was the twinge of regret from not having the chance to bring Reiko home that brought me out of my morbid daydreams about death by asphyxiation. I’m pathetic.

During my childhood, I expected too much of myself. I became intent on following the church rules, getting good grades, and doing things that made me look like the person I thought other’s expected me to be. Soon I believed that what I was working so hard to achieve was what I wanted: to go on a mission, get married, have a family, get a good education, and do brilliantly at my job to make a difference in the world. These delusions didn’t last forever and with their departure went all my ambition. I’m not as naïve as I once was. My goals are now more realistic, and consequently much less impressive.

So what is it that I really want? I’m perfectly honest is saying that I don’t know. Or at least, I’m not stupid enough to actually wish for something I could never have anymore so I’ve stopped trying. Would whatever it is really make me happy anyway?

Finally we reach the core. The core is all emotions and feeling, with a definite sense of neutrality. The feelings just are, without any attachment to past deeds or future endeavors much like a child’s innocence. I feel a deep yet dormant sense of compassion. I feel an aching loneliness. I feel a desire to create and express. I feel poisoned with fear.

And that’s about it. I’ve got everything off my chest now. Time for me to go to sleep and wait for the next day to pass.

Words of Jennifer Knapp

2010-05-19T21:44:00.002-06:00

Every now and again I find someone who shares an understanding with what I've been through, and Jennifer Knapp has caught that experience beautifully in writing:

"As a young girl, I learned to read music. The scattered black dots on the page, successfully decrypted and performed, began to make more vivid the world around me. I began to discover the private, personal and strange journeys that playing music had to offer. I listened, I sang, I played, and I began to write songs of my own. For me, music has become the tool through which the meditations of my soul find deeper peace and understanding.

As a young adult, I began to pursue a purposed life of faith centered on the teachings of Jesus. Many would say that I "became" a Christian. Curious, passionate and confounded, I entered my local evangelical Protestant church with a new appreciation for my spiritual self and participated with full fervor. There too, I experienced music as a gift that could draw out the deeper cries of not just my heart, but the hearts of others as well.

More and more, my spiritual pursuit began to be reflected by the songs I was writing. I laid down the questions of my faith I was too embarrassed to share aloud, or worse, uninvited to speak of openly. The songs I wrote directly pertaining to my faith were warmly greeted and celebrated in my church. Soon I found myself with more invitations to play my little songs. Starting in local churches and humble country sanctuaries, onto summer camps, college campuses and conferences of faith; I didn’t know it, but I was becoming a “Christian artist.”

Almost exclusively, I was playing in and around churches - Methodist, Baptist, Lutheran, Pentecostal, Episcopalian, Catholic - and some churches that had no recognizable denominational affiliation other than a cross over their door. Where I began thinking that all Christians were alike, I quickly discovered that they were not. They all spoke of Jesus the same, but their practices and traditions, their “do’s and don’ts,” could be vastly different.

As confounding as this was to me, I learned to respect the houses where I was asked to play, learned to listen a bit more closely, and even more, learned to appreciate the diverse styles and methods with which many people process their spiritual journey. As the invited but alien artist, it often fell upon me to find our commonality, to sing of what we could mutually share and celebrate.

Through trial and error, offense and blessing, I learned that not even a Christian could be solely judged by his cover. Blundering assumptions about how I thought one church might believe, or even how one single congregant among them might believe, only left me an agent of offense. I began to recognize the intense personal nature of each individual’s specific spiritual journey. I began to see the powerful protection a community of faith could be for the fragile and broken. I also have seen the tragic emotional and spiritual devastation brought upon those who sought only compassion and were greeted with condemnation in times of utmost vulnerability.

All this I have seen, when I just wanted to play music. I just wanted to explore my faith. I simply wanted to meet others, converse, encourage and learn about how to be ... well, a meaningful person. I have definitely found myself in the midst of an adventure I would have never imagined or called for.

This was the world I found myself in when I realized I was gay. After years of subtle comments, wary glances and leading encouragement to get married and have babies, I was fully aware that I had a foot in the door of some houses that were about to be slammed. At the same time, I had experienced years of rich and fulfilling dialogue with many people of faith who taught me the soft landings of compassion. Still, it was hard not to respond to the fear. I questioned whether my faith had betrayed me, or I if had a betrayed my faith. I wondered if music was a ruse and could unite no one.

Like wistful balloons loosed to the wind, I was about to release both faith and music, but I could not release what I had learned.

Where music had led me to very strange lands, full of people with differing faith practices, cultural expectations, gender roles and more ... it had taught me to listen. Through the torrent of life’s confusion and seeming incongruities, there is a spirit, a song, that if we strain hard enough, we can hear. What we can hear, when we listen, is how we are much the same.

From time to time, a song catches our ear and we follow it outside of our usual haunts. We stumble out of our chosen sanctuaries and toward the source of sound that seems to reveal our heart’s longing. It is only when we get there that we can see the diversity of the many who were called by the same tune. Will we be encouraged to see we are not alone? Shamed that we do not want to share it with others differing from ourselves? Or will we simply listen?"

-Jennifer Knapp (taken from CNN.com)

Have You Ever?

2010-04-28T01:19:00.003-06:00

Have you ever experienced hatred?

Have you ever been frightened to be honest?

Have you ever known the despair of never finding the only thing you've ever wanted in the world?

Have you ever felt so alone that you wished you knew how to stop breathing?

Have you ever awoke with the understanding that you failed to ingest enough poison so that instead of your body succumbing to decay you find yourself in a hospital gown answering a myriad of meaningless questions?

Have you ever endured without purpose for another's sake?

Have you ever learned to smile through the silent tears of anguish that fall unseen throughout every day you still draw breath?

Have you ever lost your hope for a brighter future?

Have you ever asked a question not wanting to know the answer?

Anime Fannatiku 2010

2010-03-09T00:48:00.005-07:00

Our Convention went wonderfully this year. I was sick for several days before the Con and I'm still not completely better, but there was no stopping me from attending! I was so happy to get to share the experience this year with my cousins Tasha, Aaron, and Duncan. I also gave my good friend Janae a ride to and from the Con as she was a volunteer like me.

I'm determined to Cosplay next year. I was so going to this time around, but I had budgeting issues at the start of the semester so I couldn't buy anything. (Plus I was sick, so sick.) I'm going to get started early this time so I'll be ready. I'm just not sure who I want to be: a Heartless, Kiba, Sai, Iruka, Allen Walker... maybe Roxas if I can get away with being blonde. lol

And I bought another wallscroll, yeah! I really wanted a Kingdom Hearts one, but they didn't have any this year. (So I bought a keyblade necklace as this Con's souvenir instead.) Naruto is awesome, but I bought this wallacroll because it has Kakashi and Sai on it... yumm. My room is starting to look like I'm obsessed.

Anyway, I had a REALLY good time. I've got tons of homework to work on now though, so I'll be really busy for the next few weeks. I'm really behind in Outcast too... I'll get to it eventually. Oh, and I turn 21 on Sunday. How crazy is that? I feel so old...

Next year our Con is going to be even more amazing. I can hardly wait! I hope I can get more family to come next time. I also hope to help out more as a volunteer. Natalie went really easy on me because I was still pretty sick. I'm determined to be in full health next year; being sick sucks.

Best wishes everyone, I'll update more later.

When I'm Alone

2010-02-14T00:21:00.003-07:00

Well, the day has come at last; the worst day of the year.

-I wake with my laptop occupying the other side of the bed.

-I grab a granola bar out of the cupboard for breakfast, thinking how it doesn't really matter what I eat since I'm not trying to impress anyone.

-I curl up with a blanket because its warmer than the emptiness of the house.

-I try to focus on my schoolwork, but its difficult because I know my future promises to be just as lonely whether I understand my textbook or not.

-I laugh at stupid TV commercials and talk to the dog just for something to do.

-I fall into bed at night dreading sleep and the coming dawn, knowing that in the morning I'll find no one at my side.

Wishing you a good Single's Awareness Day.

Avatar

2010-01-23T22:58:00.004-07:00

I got to go see Avatar in the theatre with Grandma and Grandpa today. It was AMAZING! I recommend going to watch it. I want to go again, and I definitely want to own it on DVD when it comes out.

The artwork is outstanding, the characters believable and endearing, and the story is epic. I love science fiction that makes you think, wonder, and want to change. I only wish I was as brave as the heroes of the film. I don't know if I could fight for what was right like they do. Its just so much easier to take the easy path and do what you are told.

Best wishes everyone! I'm starting school again, so I'm going to be really busy. I'll be sure to update Outcast on DA every week. Please go read and review.

Diary of an Outcast

2010-01-03T23:51:00.003-07:00

This year I have the goal of furthering my writing abilities, to help spread the effort towards equality for the GLBT community, and to comfort others that might be struggling in an oppressive environment. As I really only have my own experiences to rely on, much of what I write will come from my own life, but it should be stressed that the story I'm constructing is fictional, and the characters do not represent real people, so that I don't offend anyone.

The title is to be Diary of an Outcast and it will focus on a young man's coming to terms with his sexuality and coming out to those closest to him while growing-up in a highly religious community. I will be posting a new chapter every week on my DeviantArt account starting January 10th. At the end of each month I will have an Event to further awareness of my story and GLBT issues.

Please feel free to ask questions, make suggestions, or comment on my work. HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone, I wish you all the best in 2010.

Could Have Been Me

2009-12-23T23:53:00.003-07:00

Why is life so unfair and hard and horrible?

I discovered this entry to Affirmation's Book of Remembrance, and I felt like I should share my feelings. I tried to end my suffering by death, but such mercy wasn't given me. Instead I live to fight against the darkness that tries to swallow up our kind feelings and remorse. This young man deserves to be remembered because like so many other beautiful people, he didn't need to leave so soon...

If only I could have wrapped my arms around him, around all of such beautiful people, and let them know how much I understood, how much I care.

Michael James Dunkley (1989-2009)

"Michael James Dunkley began his life in Romania in the city of Buzoa. At the age of three, James finally came to his home in Pleasant View, Utah and became acquainted with his true family. James was a member of the Pleasant View 6th Ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He graduated from high school in the spring of 2008.

James was an artist. In high school he excelled in jewelry making for which he received a number of awards placing second in State for his designs. He also loved music. Singing was a part of life verified through his involvement in A cappella and All State choir.

James was happy; quick to smile and relate his tale of the day, he would talk for hours with anyone. His family will miss his characteristic smile and loving personality. He was quick to give a helping hand and loved to play with his nieces and nephews. He will be greatly missed.

James committed suicide on June 26, 2009, after spending about 2 years going to a church-endorsed counselor who obviously was unable to help him.

Funeral services were held June 30 at 11 a.m. at the Pleasant View 6th Ward Chapel, 900 West Pleasant View Drive, and he is interred at Ben Lomond Cemetery."

This Close

2009-12-06T01:26:00.003-07:00

"I don't know who I am anymore.
Not once in life have I been real,
But I've never felt this close before-
I've been looking in your window,
Been dressing in your clothes,
I've been watching you long enough
To know I can't go on."

"In the hearts of the blind,
Something you'll never find
Is a vision of light
With the voice of the dead,
I'm screaming..."

Flyleaf--This Close

See Who I Am

2009-12-05T16:30:00.002-07:00

The Holidays are upon us already, so I'm busy all the time. Final Exams are due next week, grandma and I plan on heading north in a few days, and family is coming down for Christmas. Its odd that at a time when I'm most busy, I find the most time to find fault in myself and worry about the future.

So, instead of ranting about how much life sucks, I thought I'd get a jump-start on my New Year's Resolutions. I really want them to be well thought out to prepare to make change. Perhaps then I'll have less to feel guilty over next year.

First, I'm getting old. In March I'll be turning 21. As much as I love living here with grandma and grandpa, I know it can't last forever, and I'm becoming more of a burden than I help. My plan for independence starts in earnest as of today. I volunteer at the local library, and I hope to become employed soon. Even though I'll likely only start out as a substitute, the experience is going to add-up for a better chance of landing a permanent position in the future.

Second, once income is gained, I need to buy a car. And with the car comes maintenance fees so I really have to have a budget and savings plan. Right now my bank account is nearly zero, and its like that most of the time. So this is where being prepared early will really help, as I really need to work over my spending habits.

Third, I need to get my own apartment. Once I have a car and a job, it stands to reason that I should make the next big step and learn to live on my own. This is what frightens me the most, honestly. Because of my sexuality, and my crippling unsociability, having a long lasting relationship is as likely as life on Mars. And an eternity of loneliness is very unappealing.

So 2010, here I come! I'm planning on taking two more semesters of school again, so my Associates Degree is nearly in reach. My estimated graduation date is Spring 2011. Who knows what really lies in store for me in the next few months, but I do know that if I don't take the initiative and try and walk towards a brighter future, there's no chance at arriving where I want to be.

Make a Smile

2009-10-17T23:22:00.004-06:00

Some kind soul placed two pumpkins on our front steps yesterday night. How simple a service, and it really made my day. I'm so glad there are still people in the world like that.

Many thanks, World, for the gift. Perhaps when the cousins come down for a visit we will carve them into jack'o'lanterns together. <3

Special

2009-10-05T19:36:00.005-06:00

If everyone is special, how special are you?
When confronted with the vastness of the universe, what do you do?

Soul Imagery

2009-09-29T23:49:00.004-06:00

I'm not sure why, but I have a strange fondness for Dandelions.

Perhaps it comes from watching Fantasia too often as a child. Oh, how I love that film. My sister and aunt and I would play for hours pretending to be the characters portraid to classical music. Magic seems so real when you are young, and somehow, easy to understand.

To Love a Dandelion

Tho flower fair did free thy lips,
A kiss most precious dear;
Sweet nector life's begatten drink
Did bathe thine angel's hair.

Bold colors of the Orient,
From glen to pasture green;
For once wilt thine affections give,
Upon this simple weed?

His Hand be known in birth and death,
As lark and butterfly;
Is He not in thy beauty fair,
Just as a sparrow's fall?

By flower fair thy passing wept,
To mark a life well-spent.
Wilt mine the only heart be still;
For love, alone I wait.

-ammon treasure

SilverGem

2009-09-15T01:41:00.005-06:00

Woot! My bead shop is open for business. Unfortunately I can't post a link because you have to be a registered member of Den of Angels to access the Marketplace. But I can post some pictures!

I've also made this amazing friend through DoA who agreed to model some of my work on her dolls for my shop. She lives in the UK. Isn't the Internet grand?

Here is her BJD tiny. She's SO cute!

So I'm hoping to make a little bit of pocket money off my jewelry making habits. SilverGem is also to bulk up my Doll Fund. I might actually get my own BJD! Yeah!

Best wishes to you all and many thanks for your support! <3

The Boyfriend Doll

2009-09-10T23:34:00.007-06:00

Introducing... the boyfriend doll. Uh, how do I explain this?

So while I was up visiting my family over the summer, I got to share one of my new passions, Asian Ball-Joint Dolls! And I don't even have one. (They cost A LOT.)

The doll I fell in love with first, and who I hope to get someday soon, is Reiko from Dollzone! Since then I've discovered even more girl dolls that I like, but very few boy dolls. Strange, as many girls in the hobby fall in love with the boy dolls first... idk, maybe its a gay thing.

On the roadtrip southward, back to where I live, I sparked-up a discussion with my mother and two sisters. I think I was teasing my younger sister about getting a boyfriend, and said she should get a doll instead. So I asked around to see what everyone's boyfriend doll would look like. So, yeah, it was pretty much the weirdest conversation ever. I couldn't decide, cause I'd already fallen for Reiko, but she isn't someone I'd really be romantically interested in.

Enter Iplehouse. I browse online very often, especially since joining a BJD forum, and while searching through box-opening pictures... I FOUND HIM. The doll I could very much spend the rest of my life with... well, you know, if he were real. Introducing VITO, my perfect boyfriend doll:

I've started a small BJD fund for Reiko, and now have a short list of dolls I'm hoping to bring home someday. I've even started a small bead shoppe online for doll jewelry. I like to bead, so I'm excited about making stuff for other people. It isn't up and running yet, I'm waiting on some modeling pics a friend of mine took for me. (As I don't yet have a doll of my own... sigh.) I'll be sure to post a link when SilverGem opens.

Also, I really want to learn how to paint the dolls. The amazing thing about BJDs is how customizable they are. You can buy wigs, eyes, clothes, change their face-up, or even modify the doll by sanding and applying epoxy. Face-up artists can put their skills up for commission, and it looks really fun. I want to give it a try, who knows, maybe I'll be good at it.

And just for fun, here is a pic of Reiko. Much love!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Major Changes

2009-08-27T23:30:00.002-06:00

I'm at a loss for what to do. My school funding seems to have been pulled out from under me, for this semester at least if not for the entire school year.

My plans have changed drastically in only a couple hours. If I have no grant money, I'll have to either get a loan or get a job. So I applied to the local WalMart online in hopes that I will get an offer. I don't have a car, so I'll have to either hitch a ride or borrow the truck. This is SO not what I had wanted to be doing.

I guess I knew my relatively care-free time at Grandma & Grandpa's had to come to an end sooner or later. I was making plans about how to save my money better and work my way into the library here as I finished my degree, but alas it doesn't look like things will be going so smoothly.

It isn't like I didn't deserve this, I suppose. I'm still very dependant on my family. Perhaps it's time for me to grow-up.

Love: the Dream

2009-08-12T23:04:00.002-06:00

So it has been three years since I came-out. I've learned to be happy with who I am, despite how others may see me. I've decided for myself who God is and what He wants for me. And I have the opportunity to pursue my interests and continue my education in a loving home... complete with a lazy dog and occasional family visitors. I'm one of the most blessed individuals in the world.

Yet, I still yearn for a companion. I still hold onto my childlike dream that someday someone will come along and we'll just know. I suppose there isn't any harm in continuing to believe that there might be a little bit of magic left in the world. I actually went on a couple dates with a very nice man in St. George these past weeks, but things just didn't fall into place. I'll keep trying, and maybe someday I won't be so lonely.

(picture from link on affirmation.org)

Born Again

2009-07-30T13:27:00.002-06:00

Do you ever feel like you really just need to start over? Like if you had the chance, you'd make more of a difference the second time around?

Time is, in a way, very unforgiving of mistakes. Living life in a straight line doesn't make sense to me. But perhaps this is only because I feel so powerless. I am not in control, except for what I decide at the next fork in the road.

Shouldn't there be some way to go back to the beginning? If you find yourself somewhere that you don't want to be... if you are lost, what else can you hope for?

Outcast

2009-05-17T01:57:00.004-06:00

"I will never have the sight..." -Lirael

I'm beginning to see that I do not understand my purpose. I thought that if I searched hard enough, my meaning would be made clear. I have found that not only am I perhaps never meant to find it, but that I cannot comprehend it.

Just as my literary twin, Lirael, was destined for something far beyond what she could understand, my own ideas for happiness may be just as unimportant. I can struggle to become what I see to be ideal, in hopes that love will find me more worthy, but in truth...

I may never have the sight. What awaits for me I cannot see... cannot even dream.

Anime Con

2009-03-26T14:53:00.004-06:00

Devout Reform

2009-03-03T01:58:00.002-07:00

Is this happiness?
Love's reach hindered, barred by cosmic design.

Is this hope?
That life is only precious beyond the veil of mortality.

Is this truth?
A single path, alone, leads into everlasting light.

Is this Heaven?

To be Free...

2009-02-07T00:42:00.002-07:00

Dandelion

2008-10-22T23:30:00.003-06:00

I am a weed among well-tended flowers. So why has the Master seen fit to not cast me aside? I grow... a dandelion.

Hierarchy

2008-08-10T20:21:00.004-06:00

(I continue to be amazed at how much I have yet to learn. Here I was complaining away and two very good friends were thoughtful enough to comment on my work. To Dani and Jess, thank you for your concern and words of wisdom.)

Earlier I noted how frustrated I was with how much I seem to want. I hate wanting, it makes me feel guilty. After discussing this over with Jess, I concluded that I had been so focused on achieving what I felt was the ideal, that I had placed all of my needs in with my accursed wants. This of course was just stupid.

For those of you that havn't guessed, I'm pretty crazy. My brain doesn't seem to work right, for whatever reason. Once I understood what I was doing internally, Jess prompted me into studying more about it. I feel rather silly really, because the revelations I had next were of course things I had already been taught, I just hadn't understood them at the time.

First was the idea of having an empty bucket. My mother and I had discussed this analogy earlier this summer. I desire greatly to be filled with perfect love. I see this as our reason for being. This is only achievable by complete selflessness. So I was working harder and harder to not want; to give unto others and care about them. Yet I had no foundation. My 'bucket' was already empty, so it wasn't a matter of not being good enough, I couldn't be as I wanted to be.

Second, years back I took a carrier class in which we talked a lot about some plan about human needs. After searching a bit on-line, I ran into this model again: the Hierarchy of Needs. I modified it to fit better what I understand and have posted a copy below. What an amazing model for me to try to follow. My goal of course is to reach self-actualization and be filled with selflessness and a sense of purpose.

And third, and this will sound rather silly I suppose, I began to understand much more about love. I had wanted so badly for someone to see me to be of worth and share with me this complete selflessness. Yet, what a horrible request to make when I had nothing so beautiful to offer in return. Instead of waiting for him to come by, I need to BE him. Perhaps then, someday, such happiness might not seem so far away.

If I've completely confused anyone, I do apologize, but please feel comfortable in leaving a comment or question. I'm in need of cementing these ideals into what I am.

Whispers in the Dark

2008-08-07T01:05:00.002-06:00

"...My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses.
I will be the one that's gonna hold you.
I will be the one that you run to..."

"No,
You'll never be alone.
When darkness comes,
I'll light the night with stars.
Hear my whispers in the dark."

"No,
You'll never be alone.
When darkness comes,
You'll know I'm never far.
Hear my whispers in the dark."

"You feel so lonely and ragged.
You lay there broken and naked.
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses.
I will be the one that's gonna find you.
I will be the one that's gonna guide you..."

I felt that these lyrics were very appropriate to follow my last post. This is one of my favourite songs. I had a really good day today considering all that I am.